Tracy Small Ed.S., LPC
Professional School Counselor
The 5 Love Languages® by Gary Chapman is not just about adult relationships and how to better relate to others, but is also how to effectively support and relate love to your child. Did you know there is a particular way your child is programmed to receive that love? Understanding how our children feel loved and express their love can help us better parent/teach them and build connections with them that will stand the test of time. We naturally express love the way we receive it and that may not be getting through to our children/students if they recognize love a different way. A brief overview of the different love languages are below, but there are chapters full of information in the book that I will also list below that will give you more insight into your children/students and how to better connect with them. They are:
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1. Physical Touch: these kids feel loved by lots of physical affection. Hugs, tickles, holding hands when you go on a walk. In the classroom, might be a pat on the back. Each little touch from you reminds them of your love. They may also be very affectionate with other people.
2 .Words of Affirmation: these kids feel loved by words. Telling them how great they did or how much you appreciate them will mean the world to them! These children might take negative comments very hard.
3. Quality Time: these kids feel loved when you put down what you are doing and give them your undivided attention. They will be keenly aware if you are not fully present with them and they will crave time with you above all else.
4. Gifts: does your child ask for gifts? Sometimes we can misunderstand this as being selfish or a negative character trait, oftentimes we don’t think about the fact that it might be how they feel loved and valued by us. Children whose love language is gifts will feel noticed, appreciated, and important when we take the time to think of little trinkets and gifts that will speak to them.
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5. Acts of Service: these kids will feel loved when we do things for them. Maybe we make their bed one morning or brush their hair. Maybe this child asks you to do things you know they can do, not because they are dependent and/or lazy, but because having you do these things for them makes them feel treasured by you.
Children ages 5-8
Tips for Parents
So many parents wonder about their child's love language, and admittedly, determining the love language of a young child requires some educated guesswork. Why? Because young children can't yet verbalize their love language. Therefore, the online assessment might not reflect an accurate reading of their primary love language. In light of this, for children ages 5 to 8 years old, you might try the following exercise instead.
Ask him or her to draw or call out some ways parents love their children. You should try not to guide their drawings or answers, limit their responses, or require more responses than what he or she is prepared to give at the time you ask.
Depending on the child's attention span and the time of day, you may get many answers, or you may get very few. If it seems like slow going, then you may want to secretly explore the subject of love with your child for a week or so until you can deduce what he or she perceives as love. You may find yourself reading books or watching programs with your child and asking the question, "How do you know that mommy or daddy loves that little boy or little girl?" Or you may intentionally experiment by expressing love in each of the 5 ways over a week's period of time. This will be a subjective measure, but the combination of all these suggestions—studying your child's answers or drawings, listening to their answers about other parents and children, and "measuring" their response to your expression of each of the five love languages—should be enough to help you accurately assess your child's primary love language. If you are lucky enough to catch your child in a talkative or expressive mood, you may be able to get him or her to identify several ways parents show love. You'll be looking for a theme or a repetition in their answers, and from this, you can accurately determine your child's love language.
Plus: Find dozens of tips for practical ways to speak your child’s love language.
Discover your child’s primary language—then speak it—and you will be well on your way to a stronger relationship with your flourishing child.
Gary Chapman